‘Always smiling’ is self-deception – a message for those who have lost their color

As a hobby, I like reading other people’s self-introduction. It is all written in the self-introduction, what kind of person you judge and position yourself as. Do you have a bright personality or a dark personality? Are you someone with a habit, or are you more normal? The place where all these things are written is the self-introduction.

In the self-introduction column, I often see people who write things like this.

“I am the type of person who smiles a lot, even if it is trivial. That is why I want the people (friends and lovers) by my side to smile all the time. If you keep smiling, I think you’ll be able to overcome it.”

But as anyone who has lived 15 years of life knows, it’s not so easy to throw everything in the trash. “I tell you all my troubles and share them so they can be thrown in the trash and I can be a more minimalist,” they say. However, such convenient friendships, in other words, “worry bins” do not exist.

For example, if something really bad happens to me, and there’s a person next to me with a bright smile on his face, I’m sure I’ll have the urge to beat him down. I want to ask, “Why are you laughing so easily when I’m in such pain? Do you understand my suffering?” Of course, I know that’s not the case. At least for me, what’s important is not just a mechanical, artificial smile, but someone who gives me clear advice and who weeps with me in the sea of grief. It’s not “false peace, tranquility, calmness” obtained by forcibly sacrificing their will. Life has waves. Then just surf that wave. You don’t have to force yourself to stop the waves. Because life is an ocean, not a lake.

It is impossible to keep smiling all the time. If you’re alive, you’ll know that right away. Failure in exams, heartbreak, being unreasonably scolded at work, such unpleasant things will inevitably happen in life. Worse things could happen. For example, the sudden loss of a loved one or the loss of a livelihood. I strongly believe that it is cruel to say at such times, “You shouldn’t be crying, come on, laugh.”

In other words, to always smile means to lie to yourself. Fake life is empty. Therefore, in order to fill that void, I hope that the other party will also feel the pain of the void. So the community machines the mind to endure the pain of emptiness. After all, they want the same thing. “I want to share my pain.” For that purpose, the other party also installs a mechanical heart. I cannot stand such cowardice. That kind of self-deception is one of the things I hate most. There is no future after deceiving yourself. It just makes life more difficult.

In Adlerian psychology, “Freedom is to be disliked by others.” I’m not a big fan of Adlerian psychology, but I think this argument gets the point across. In order to be free, it is first necessary not to bind yourself. When you tie yourself up, of course it hurts. This pain is life. However, it is only through this pain (being disliked by others) that freedom can be obtained. A fake smile is a manifestation of your will to be liked by everyone. What they fear is that the calm on the surface of the water will be broken, and the harsh nature will return with waves. What they fear is being disliked by someone. Therefore, in order not to be hated at least, I lose my freedom (that is, to be honest with my feelings and not to deceive myself) and put on a fake smile. However, the relationship is nothing but a relationship of “anyone is fine” after all.

“If you just smile next to me, that’s fine with me.” There are quite a few people who accept that condition. For that reason, I want a relationship that is always smiling, like the so-called husband Kanpaku or patriarchy. As I said before, it is a false relationship and there is no love. This is because they do not respect others and try to manipulate others to their will. However, she only wants to stay up late for herself, wake up earlier than herself, and devote herself to her partner.

To give an easy-to-understand example, a person who wants you to always smile is like asking the other person to stand up straight. Everyone knows (even if the person turns a blind eye) that it’s impossible. However, because that posture is more beautiful, I am happy if I look at it. “As someone who works in a nursing home, all I want is for the elderly people who use my services to smile all the time.”

“Always smiling” is never a strong point. Because it is an illusion built on self-sacrifice and self-deception.